How do you avoid a void?

The darkness looms, edging closer. The light of the full moon does nothing to illuminate the shadows on my soul. The sight of the perfect orb, the glow, calls to me, as it always has. This time it doesn’t call my soul to sing with happiness, with joy overflowing, but with sorrow. Even the midnight moon can’t burn away the fog surrounding my heart. It seems nothing can. He feels responsible, which serves only to add to my guilt. My soul craves him so much I fear it may need something to tide it over…but that every act would tear my soul apart. I can’t bear the thought of it, but I can’t bear the emptiness any longer. The need to escape, the feeling of the walls closing in, restlessness within my soul grows, agitating me. Fear of the unknown and outside world swells with the same breath of freedom, however, and I know I couldn’t survive. He’s out there, waiting. I don’t trust, don’t assume, don’t need – except for him. He’s the one thing I allowed myself to lean on – my one weakness. And it has yet again come back to hurt me. I can feel him laughing, taunting at my insolence, at the innocence he stole. I fear he’s around every corner, waiting for a misstep, waiting to take me back. I won’t go back, but I can’t go forward without him. I won’t allow myself to go forward without him. How do you get freedom while staying safe indoors, how do you feed while fasting, how do you love while losing, how do you love while hating, how do you love when there’s no one there to love you back? An answer must come, must fill the void before the black hole grows.

Another Love Letter...Another Week Past.

I am so antsy to hear your voice… I’m trying to make a mental list of everything I’m going to say to you, but when it comes down to it none of it is important; none of it matters – except this: “I love you, I’m in love with you, and I pick you.”
Life is hard for both of us now – but when it all boils down to the bottom line, that’s the only thing that matters. When I go to sleep at night, in my head you’re laying next to me, the last thought of the night, the first of the morning. My mind is on you, and how blessed I am to be able to spend my life with the love of my life, and the man I’ve had a crush on (oh, who am I kidding – a BURNING passion for) since I was 16. I can’t wait to have you to myself. I can’t wait to be with you, and belong to you for good. I’ve found that I’ve relaxed into our love, and found it very comfortable. I was finally in the right place in the right time – and found you, a discovery which still amazes me. It wasn’t just surprise at the chemistry that was still there 5 years later – it was surprise that what was there was so much more than just chemistry. We didn’t find lust, in the form it was when we were teenagers, it wasn’t just being in love, the form I know we’re in now, it was love – a love that will last until the end and beyond. It means the world to me to hear you say things like what you did about your Grandpa, and the fact that he still goes to have lunch with your Grandma every day. You said you’d do the same thing, and we’d still be in love, just like they are, in 80 years. I find it amazing you’d want to put up with me for 80 years, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear. My biggest fear is losing all the people I love and winding up alone. My biggest fear is losing you. Knowing that we’re going to be one of those cute old couples that still holds hands and steals kisses and you still pinch my ass when I’m 90…is all I’ve ever wanted, and I’ve never wanted it with anyone but you. The fact that you see the same future, and want that with only me, means more to me than I can explain. It is the epitome of what I keep saying to you – when you told me that, I realized that you pick me, too.

The potroast is craving the biscuit.

I've realized something. I went to the party Sunday to get out of the house and because I wanted some human contact. After about 2 hours, I was ready to go home. I realized that I didn't just want to be around people, I didn't just want human contact - I wanted YOU. I miss YOU. I don't just want to be around people, don't just want to have a conversation - I want to be around YOU, have conversations with YOU. No one else cuts it. I could be around people all day, but - they're not you! it's kind of like (I'm being painfully honest here) - I haven't been able to quench my ... desires lately, with anything. I'll pass someone and go, "oh, he's cute", and the thought will cross my mind, and I'll immediately laugh because I know I won't, I'd never, and I know that even if I did it wouldn't quench a damn thing because I dont want just body contact, I don't want just sex, I want YOU. ALL of you. Sex with you has spoiled me - it's this COMPLETE package of body satisfaction, complete attraction, and the completion of this part of my soul - I'm never gonna want anyone else because no one else can satisfy me. And my body and soul are missing you terribly - BUT - at the same time - it feels SO COOL to know what we have now. To know how I feel about you, balls to bones, and the conviction I have in us - is so ... heartening, I guess. I know I'll always have us to lean on; to know that we can do it, you know? I've thought about what I'd do if I lost you, and I just .. I always thought before if I lost someone I'd move on, maybe date again, whatever. Before you, an end of a relationship was always in some ways a relief - I got to flirt again, I got to date again. I know that would never be the case. I'd probably EVENTUALLY move on, but - I'm so happy with you and where we are and where I am in my life I think I'd ... well, part of me would always be waiting for you to come home to me in OUR apartment. I don't know that I'd date again for a VERY long time. I've just found my other half, I've found my contentment. And I've waited all my life for this kind of love - the kind of love that even time itself will lie down and be still for. I'm no longer restless; my soul is finally at rest - in yours.

You're Ordering WHAT?!

I'm entering orders at work, and there's always a small description of the parts. Here are the latest ones:
SEAL ASSY FACE
ASSY-BUSHING
SPIDER ASSY
CASE-ASSY GEAR
SPIDER-PLANETARY
SPIDER-PLANET

and my favorite reason a part was rejected: BAD PANCAKE (that's right. You tell that pancake's who boss. Whip dey butt!)

I can't get my mind off of you...

GRAVYMONSTER!!!!!!! :D I can't stop thinking about you - so I thought I'd tell you so. I just randomly keep remembering things we've done....like when we had champagne, strawberries and..... on the beach, or the first time at the Sandcastle, or going to Sea World and you just laughing at me geeking out about all the dolphins, or when you first came over and I immediately threw my arms around you...then made you come help me shovel the driveway. haha but you got back at me - you aimed the snowblower at my back... HAHA Or the first time I...and it look 40 seconds..then you saw my ass for the first time and almost came again and all I could say was, 'What? Like you didn't know?' as you had this "HOLY FUCKING GOD" look on your face that 1) this girl just sucked me off, and 2) omg she's gorgeous. haha Goooood memories.

I love you, OH! I forgot to tell you - yesterday I went to the library and got a bunch of books (all romances - LOL). Then I went home and harassed Misha for a bit, then went to Walmart cuz I was having cravinsg and got ice cream and cookies.... then I realized as I accidentally dropped my library books on the sidewalk outside my apartment, and threw them in the walmart bag...then I realized I was the epitomy of the Single White Female - I'm coming home with a bunch of romance novels and a carton of ice cream and cookies... SHOOT ME NOW. haha oh, well - they'll tide me over till I have you again...

I love you!!

Patience Is A Virtue - But Not One I Possess...

Yesterday after work I went down by the pool and had a beer and just relaxed. It was a great way to unwind – I can’t wait to do it with Kurt.
I can’t get him off my mind, and I hate that when I do get to talk to him I come across as so desperate for him and desperate to talk to him…but I am.
I’m desperate to hear his voice, to touch him, kiss him, to just hear his thoughts, know what’s on his mind…because I pray I’m on the list. I feel like such a fool for some of the things I say, but my feelings for him are so strong they scare me. I’m not afraid for if I didn’t have him, I’m just startled by how strong my feelings for him are when I’m with him, or just talk to him, or just hear his voice – my cup runneth over. I can’t believe one person can contain as that much feeling… I wrote in an IM, “It’s hard for me to believe that one person can contain this much emotion. I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams, both from having so much sadness from the loss of him, but also from so much happiness and love when I think of him and when I get to talk to him. The dynamic is overwhelming – I have this person whom I care for so much I’d give my life – and in a way I have to do that. I have to put that life on hold for him, and he’s worth it. But in the meantime, I’m alone, I’m not going to put myself in compromising or tempting situations – I owe him that much. He’s worth the wait – I know that balls to bones – but I’m not a patient person. Neither is he. And the patience required not only for the wait of this but also the wait until he’s out of the Navy and home, and then the wait until I’m 25 and we can get married…it’s at times so crushing it’s almost unbearable. I don’t want to put my life on hold for 3 more years…yet it doesn’t matter. I waited 4 years from when I first met him to get him, and I’ll probably wait 4 more years after that to marry him. In the long run, 8 years out of 80 isn’t that big of a deal. But I’m 22 – 8 years out of 22 is almost half my life…
I love him. I just have to keep this hatred of the situation we're in from turning inward, or worse, turning on him. I hate what the Navy is taking from us.

The 20th is the anniversary of it, and I don't know what to do with it.

I went to Country USA last night with Sue (Kuba’s sister) and her daughter, Nicole and her boyfriend, Rick. I had a blast, but lost my voice from screaming trying to win backstage passes to see Josh Turner or Carrie Underwood (or, as the announcer kept saying, Wonderwood, which is what I suppose she gives you. ;) ). All I could think about was how seeing Josh Turner would let me get his autograph to send to you – and I got it on our anniversary! It’d be the perfect birthday present, but I didn’t win. I was just glad to go. The new grounds are HUGE – 500 acres of NOTHING. I’ve got a few great pictures, the sunset was amazing, and hearing him sing our song – I could’ve sworn you were standing next to me, whispering “Happy Birthday, Baby” in my ear.

I miss you madly, and hope all is well. Other good news – WE GOT THE APARTMENT! My schedule for the next day is RIDICULOUS – I work 7-4 axletech, 6:30-close Vicky’s, then OPEN tomorrow at Vicky’s 7:30-11:30 and have an on-call 12-4. If they keep me I’ll kill them. My mom keeps telling me to call in sick! Haha you know it’s bad when SHE tells me to – she’s the one who kept yelling they were going to fire me!

I love you, and can’t wait to go WITH you next year.

I'm just excited we have the apartment, and I'm hoping to see Little Big Town on Sunday night. WHOO! ok, back to work...

Birthday

Yesterday was a rough day - I for some reason lost all ability to control my emotions. I'd be fine one minute and bawling uncontrollably the next. I miss him. I just want a hug, and cuddle with him for a few minutes. I can't wait to hear his voice again....it just sucks it reminds me how much I love him and winds up hurting even more. But at the end of the day, I still choose him.

Work is work

I've worked 15 hour days for the last 3 days. Tomorrow is my birthday. I got called in again. I've had 15 hours of sleep in the last week. I hate this. I need the money to pay our bills, to pay my credit card and the vacation we just had and pay his credit card and get money for the apartment, but... this is ridiculous. I'm gonna die. They don't care. I tried to explain that if they kept me any longer I would fall asleep on the way home, and they didn't seem to care too much. They just told me I can't leave because I'm scheduled. If I got in an accident on the way home they'd better feel really fucking bad. It's not safe to have us out that late. I'm changing my hours. I can't do this. I keep thinking about quitting. At least I could go to Country USA! (even though I have no one to go with....Thanks for bailing, Michelle.)

Bahrain Falls Upon Us

Kurt just left for Bahrain. I flew down there to spend the weekend with him, and I wrote this on the plane ride home the night before he left.

I struggle so much with what to do with all the emotions I have for him – I hate that he has to leave, I hate that I’ll miss him, but I don’t – I can’t – hate him. I try not to let myself feel it too much but to not allow myself to feel it in some way makes me feel like I’m not giving him the full respect he deserves. He’s the love of my life. He deserves that I am upset that he’ll be gone. He deserves it. But I am just trying not to let it tear me apart. The pain, the ache, of not being near him is always a dull cry, constantly present and reminding me of what I don’t have. But now, the pain is sharp, and I wince at many words mentioned in casual conversation. “Husband”. “Home”. “Love”. I feel like I don’t have it – but I will. We deserve to not have to wait, though I understand we must – and he’s worth the wait. He’s worth it. He was so happy for me “spoiling” him this weekend – but I felt like I was spoiling myself in demanding his time, his attention, and demanding that I be alone with him. I needed to remember what it’s going to be like when it’s just us, alone on weekends and whittling time away. Realizing that little things, with him at my side, are all I truly need to be happy was a wonderful feeling. But now it hurts – knowing it’s fleeting. Knowing how happy he can make me, and knowing I have to live without it. I’ve done this before…I’m stronger than this. But this time is different. I was in love with them. I’m in love with him, and I love him. I know I’ll spend my life with him. I’m just worried he won’t make it back. I know the chances are doubtful, and the worst that happened to any member of the crew they’re going to replace was a broken arm from a stupid trick – but he’s my life. Trying to live without him is like trying to breathe with one lung, survive on half a heart…and live without my soul. I hope I’m strong enough. I just want to go home and be with Misha, and curl up and meditate and just…remember all the good memories he’s given me. I feel blessed that he even asked me. I can’t believe he picked me. I can’t believe I am getting the chance to spend my life with my best friend, the love of my life, and the person I want more than life itself. I don’t want to spend time with anyone else.

I think about Cass, and her request to see me – I can’t do it. I don’t want to. I miss her, I miss her friendship, but it’ll never be just a friendship to her. I don’t want to go back there. I’ve moved on to him, and I am where I want to be. I can’t do to Kurt what he did to me, and I can’t partake in anything that could hurt April, whether or not they stay together. I may be the love of Cass’s life, but she’s not mine. I love how well she knows me, I love that we believe the same way, and I love that she saw me through such difficult times… but I’m not hers. My heart belongs to Kurt, and I’ll never get it back – I don’t want it back. It’s strange to walk around with his will in my purse, like I’m waiting for the ball to drop. I am going to do all I can to keep him alive in my everyday life. I will cry almost every time I hear his voice – but it’ll be happy tears. He called ME. He thought about ME. He chose ME.
Then there was his going away party Friday night. We both did power hour with Pricilla and Derek. I had a blast, but afterwards…. Well things deteriorated quite quickly. We both bawled. I am just so in awe of the love and support we’ve gotten from Tammy, Frank, their kids, Derek, and all of his friends. He is one of the most loved people I’ve ever met. I hear him talk about the people in his life, and I feel honored to be among them – let alone to be chosen to be such a big part of it. I feel so at home there, with all of them. They know him so well and spend so much time with him that just being around them keeps him alive for me. This morning I kept trying to prepare myself, telling myself “this will be the last time you make love to him for 4-5 months. Are you ready for that?” “this is your last few hours with him.” “this is the last day you’ll wake up with him at your side for __ days.” At the time, I could’ve said the world was ending – it didn’t matter. He makes me so happy, so calm, the world could fall apart, and it doesn’t matter – he’s at my side. There’s no better way to go. But we’re so strong. I’ve never felt conviction like this about anything before in my life. I’m glad we didn’t get married this weekend … though the thought definitely crossed my mind. I want to be only his, officially, and have it be the right time with our family around. OUR family. He’s mine. Til death do us part and beyond, I choose him.

The Lake Pours a Stream of Consciousness

I went up to Kurt's parent's cabin for the weekend. It's been great to get a way from work, mom, Misha, and Oshkosh... and I love that there's so much of him here... his presence, his memories, his pictures on the wall...part of him is here. His presence is comforting, but there are the moments when I'm horror-struck to think about the fact that he may never make it back here...He's the love of my life; I can't imagine spending my life without him, I can't imagine coming here for the next 80 years without him at my side...and without our children. The thought of never having the opportunity of starting a family with him, of those challenges you face together, of handing him our child for the first time and saying, "Meet your daddy..." It breaks my heart. My soul aches for him...and it will until he's home.

I had to skip going to a graduation party with Angela and Michelle to stay up there...and I really debated it. But Michelle hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks. And while I'd love to see her, but she doesn't seem so wriled up to see me. Angela is in the middle, and I feel bad for that - I know we're all in transition and have very different schedules, but you need to make each other a priority...and I suppose I broke that rule last night. But I didn't wanna face my mother again. I knew she'd be condescending about me going out and yell that I'm an alcoholic (yet I drink like a beer every month.) Anyways... I hope that friendship hasn't died...I hope even more that I didn't kill it.

I miss her.

You’re My Home

You’re the answer to my heart’s deepest and most desperate wish, prayer, and desire. I wished for someone to give my heart, soul, and body to; prayed to find him, and desired to be fulfilled and contented in every way possible. I’ve found that in you. You’ve given me the peace of a soul no longer lost and wandering. I’ve found my home, and it’s in you, with you. Wherever it may lead us and wherever you go, I am, too, because all you have to do is close your eyes and I’ll be there – because I have given myself to you entirely. You have me – all of me – and whatever you do in the rest of your life, you’ll take my love, my heart, and my soul along. Because you’re my home. You’re where I belong.

whoops

I wasn't done yet. So this is a continuation of the last blog.
I'm worried about Kurt, and what he's thinking. We're talking about the future and while we're both excited about it, it's scary. I'm just scared he's changing his mind - he's not talking to me the way he used to. And to make it worse, it's a catch-22 - me constantly asking, "is everything ok" makes it not.
I keep having dreams that he's not coming back from Bahrain, and while I know he's not infantry going to Iraq or anything, if Iran decides to make an attack, he's going to be on the front line. In a ship that has only one gun, a machine gun on deck. I want to move down there so badly, and now that I have the opportunity he tells me he doesn't want me there - he'd rather have me here, working and getting an apartment and somewhere for us to live once he's out. I understand that, but if I don't see him soon I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough for this relationship to last that long. He wants me to come down before he leaves in June, but - I'm starting work tomorrow. How is that supposed to work?
I just know I've been going insane without him because I love him so much. (wow that sounds stalkerish. but wouldn't anyone miss the person they love?) Him? Not fazed a bit. He doesn't seem to care, and when I say I miss him, it's a nonchalant, "I miss you too" answer. I want to know that he feels the same way - if he doesn't feel the same way, this isn't worth my time. Looking at those old emails makes me realize he USED to feel the same way.
Well, my new job starts at 7am tomorrow, so I'd better crash...we'll see how it all works out.

Explanations may be necessary

"Pot Roast" - yes, I'm actually called that. My fiancee calls me that for my body temp. I'm always cold, so I usually curl myself up in a blanket so I don't freeze. But if the reason I'm cold is I give off all my body heat, so when he cuddles with me I'm a heater. So, when I curl up in a blanket I'm roasting myself, hence cooking the pot roast. His nickname: biscuit. We have a few nicknames for each other. Me: armadillo, princess, babycakes, Legs, Dr. Oleszko ... I'm sure more will come. Him: Sparky, Chuck, Mr. Norris, Wonder Woman, ... more to come.
He's in the navy, with one year left. I just graduated college with a Bachelor's in psychology. We'll see how our lives unfold.

Currently I am at home with my mom and stepdad in Wisconsin. He is stationed in Texas and currently on a ship in the middle of the Gulf. I'm going bonkers without him. Earlier tonight I took to rereading emails we sent to each other when we first started dating - it's heartening to see how much we loved each other. "They say when you know, you know. ... and I know." I feel so lucky to have met him, especially after all I've been through in the last few years. I know I've been hard on him in the last few weeks, though, from a night out on the town to celebrate my graduation (no, I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did drink WAAY to much and wasn't able to get home on my own. Since he's in Texas, there was nothing he could do to help, and he wound up having to call my best friend to try to get her to come pick me up. She, however, was at work and couldn't help. So her mom was out driving around looking for me.) He's taken a lot of wear and tear lately. I think he's doubting the long-term implications of the relationship, and that scares me. I don't want anyone else. I'm finally strong enough and sure enough in the relationship that I know I don't need to look - there is no better than what I have. There are plenty of others I could have fun with, but I know that I have a future with him. His doubt in that is making me feel very uncertain about myself.
I've tried to talk to him about it and even more disconcerting was his response, "I have nothing to say to you." With his impending absence (he's leaving for Bahrain from June - October/November), I'm having a hard time accepting that he doesn't have anything to say to me now, while he still has the chance. I know he's upset about that night, and I apogized, and while I know that it doesn't make up for it, I think he should be able to talk to me about his concerns. If he's got an issue, tell me about it. If I don't understand, I'm going to ask about it, but how is that bad? Isn't me trying to understand the point of view of the man I'm (hopefully) going to marry a GOOD thing?
I did get a job today, and that's a good thing. well, a temp position that has potential, but - hey, I'm working tomorrow. I'm getting paid. I'm glad to be able to bring in a little money. (Hopefully more than a little).
I also got to visit Diane, my maid of honor. She's been my friend for 8 years now. We met the first day of high school our first class, and she sat behind me in Calculus with Mr. Drage. She's leaving for Honduras for 5 months (she graduated this last weekend, too).

The ending that starts it all.

I graduate from college on Saturday. The same college my dad went to for grad school. I really wish my dad could be here for this. When he died 2 years ago I kept saying he'd finished raising me, and I knew I wouldn't need him for advice in my everyday life, but he wouldn't be there for the pictures - Christmases, birthdays, graduations, weddings, babies.... this is one of those pictures I really would've loved him to be there for.

To begin again

For Jameel, the only man who ever shared my obsession with Rargles. ;) Just a place to put my thoughts. Don't know if I'll share them, or with whom, but...I'll write more later. I have to finish a paper for Dr. McFaddy's class. (aka Dr. McFadden. Ironically, quite skinny.)