Rant

I am very frustrated with the thought of only getting 2 days, too. are you upset with me for being hesitant to take 4 days vacation or upset with the situation and the fact that it makes it so hard for me to be there for 4 days? I'm strong enough to handle this. I don't need you to be my rock. I need you to show your love to me. I need YOU. I need our conversations. Me crying doesn't mean I can't handle it, it means I miss you and I'm sad. It's ok for me to cry. It's not healthy if I dont' try to find constructive ways to let my emotions out. Crying is ok. I think too hard - I analyze everything, and i babble about all of it to you. but because you see me going through all the though processes in between, you're starting to think I can't handle it. I can. I'm just going to think about and overanalyze everything before coming to the conclusion: "Meh; oh, well. Love you, hon!" You thinking I'm crazy and weak is making me FEEL crazy and weak and question myself at every turn, making me THINK i'm crazy and weak. I need you to realize that this is my process. I'm fine. I'll handle it. It's kind of like putting junk in a garbage disposal. just cuz it makes noise and grinds and whines and needs water running doesn't mean it can't grind up the steak. It's just doing what it does. It just makes noise while it does it, and has needs in order TO do it. My need is you letting me know what's going on. since that's not happening, I bug you for information, or stop caring. But how can I love you if I don't care?I'm sorry I was so harsh on you earlier this week; it was a surprise to go from talking to a loving, doting man to GI Joe - I've never seen that transformation before. The thing is - the time you're giving me ISN'T enough. My needs are greater than you can give me right now. The next part is a lot of ranting of my honest thinking process and trying to get myself under control. I was going to delete it but figured it might help you understand where i'm coming from. if you want to skip my stream of consciousness, scroll down to "END OF BITCHFEST". I was frustrated earlier this week more with your tone than anything else. I just wanted a conversation like the one we had earlier about puppies and the future. All that's getting me through this is thinking about the future and the things we'll have at the end of this. You don't want to talk about that in front of your guys, though, and it's probably harder for you to think about the future cuz you'd rather concentrate on now. I think I need to just emotionally let you go a bit. I've been afraid of giving you that slack cuz when I gave it to max, he got 3 hookers pregnant. when i gave it to kurt, when he came back, he didn't notice the slack/distance and didn't care to have the closeness back. i need to trust that if I let you go you'll come back, and want to be close to me. My biggest fear isn't that you won't come back. it's that you won't be the same person when you do. The thing is - you won't be. neither will I. We're going to grow and change and learn in the next year. That's ok. It's just scary. I'm sick of growing apart from the other person and having it not fit after a year. I don't want to keep looking. I dont' want to lose what we have. I don't trust that this will be here in a year unless I'm making sure it stays alive. but there's a fine line between mothering and smothering.I get frustrated with trying to understand you now. You've always had time for me. Now you have none. I don't care if it's a 30 second "I just wanted to call and say I love you. I love you! bye!" that means a lot to me. I don't understand your complete focus. I can't block you out of my brain, you're always on part of my mind. You can block everything else out and just do what you're doing and not think of me for 12 hours or have to contact me. I don't understand that, so I'm going to be a bit insulted by that. I just have to accept it. Further, the fact that you ARE so busy means that whenever you call I have to drop everything going on in my life to talk to you. That frustrates me cuz max expected me to do that. it's a silent statement that says anything of yours is infinitely more important than anything of mine - and that pisses me off. I'm half of this relationship, too. I need to back up and get my own life - which is hard when I'm supposed to move into your house and oversee your affairs. the whole process makes me feel like you're the more important person in the relationship. I am a giver - whatever is in my power to give you, I will. The problem is - I don't know if you'd do this for me. I've never known that the other person would put as much into it as I do. I think you were right at the beginning of the relationship - you said "I hope you don't expect me to put this much effort forth all the time..." well, not EVERY DAY, but.. yes. I do expect it. I may be too much for you. I'm high maintenance. I require a challenge. while you're gone and can't challenge me i need to find something to do with myself, with my mind. I don't know what that is yet, but it might include travel, and it might include the novel sensation of you having to wait for me for a bit. I'm sick of being the one left behind by fate. that's my baggage from before. I can do this, i have no doubt. I'm just sick of doing it and hate myself for putting up with it, no matter the fact that you're worth it - we're worth it. AREN'T I WORTH IT? I want to be the more important one for a change. I want people to ask YOU how I'm doing all the time. I like doing it for you, I like being able to be there for you and have you know you can rely on me. I hope you're grateful. but more than that I think I need to know that you aren't just grateful, but that you'd be willing to do it for me. I give you massages, I dress up in outfits and spend money I shouldn't on heels to make you want me and hope you find me attractive. I try to make my apt feel like a home for you since you don't have a specific place to land, and I want you at my side. I take vacation days and fly around the country for you. Will you someday be able to reciprocate? I've been so used to being used that I would feel guilty if you flew cross-country to see JUST me. I think a lot of this is me dealing with my baggage from before and trying to figure out how to not bring home any more. I told you I need to let go of my baggage and just be me so that you can love me completely. The problem is, I need you to love me completely, too, and I have a hard time understanding that you can love me completely with so little time. like I said - i'm much different. I would call you for 30 seconds just to say "I was thinking of you. I love you. I gotta go, but I love you. BYE!" you wouldn't do that. I don't understand that. but i need to let it go. you think that that isn't ignoring me, and to me - it is. cuz i don't understand being so busy you can't take 30 seconds when you go to the bathroom, as you head back, pause and call me for 30 seconds. I don't get that. I feel like an obligation. I'm waiting for the day you WANT to talk to me again. I need to stop expecting anythign from you - i just get disappointed, especially since i have no guarantee of any time with you in the next year. the question is - how can I stay in love with you while holding you at arms length? if I give you space and you take the space and I talk to you once a week, but we don't have our conversations... I don't know, that was the whole point of us. we were so close. our conversations kept us on the same page, and very close. now i feel like you're saying, "no, we're gonna be far away and in different books. I thought you knew that. can't you handle it?" I thought the whole point was we were going to try to stay on the same page. I just miss our conversations. I either need to find another way of getting simliar mental stimulation, I need to give up on it and move on, need to shut up and handle it, or I need to find a way to have them with you while you're gone. Well, time is the issue. we can't have them. so i need to figure out which path I want to take. END OF BITCHFESTTHE BOTTOM LINE - I'm struggling with the fact that I have needs greater than you can fulfill right now. that means I'm whiny and demanding. which means you really dont' want to talk to me even when you can, which means i get more demanding. I don't know how to have my needs fulfilled in ways of which you approve. I feel like asking for what I need is whining and being high maintenance, but then yell at myself that my needs are my needs and I deserve to have them met just like anyone else. I was happy alone a year ago. The thing is, now I know what it's like to have all the little holes in my heart filled - and now it's been taken away. I have to try to find ways to fill them again while you're gone, even though they seem bigger than ever. What they don't tell you about finding and falling in love with the love of your life is the fact that afterwards, everything done without that person at your side will be a little grayer, have a little less color, flavor, life to it. I love you. Life without you is gray. I can handle the monochromism, but I'm allowed to complain about it a bit. It's one of my ways of telling you I care, that life is dull without you. I am sorry that my missing you makes it hard for you. but I'm not sorry I miss you. I feel like you're expecting me to not care you're gone. I do. I love you.