whoops

I wasn't done yet. So this is a continuation of the last blog.
I'm worried about Kurt, and what he's thinking. We're talking about the future and while we're both excited about it, it's scary. I'm just scared he's changing his mind - he's not talking to me the way he used to. And to make it worse, it's a catch-22 - me constantly asking, "is everything ok" makes it not.
I keep having dreams that he's not coming back from Bahrain, and while I know he's not infantry going to Iraq or anything, if Iran decides to make an attack, he's going to be on the front line. In a ship that has only one gun, a machine gun on deck. I want to move down there so badly, and now that I have the opportunity he tells me he doesn't want me there - he'd rather have me here, working and getting an apartment and somewhere for us to live once he's out. I understand that, but if I don't see him soon I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough for this relationship to last that long. He wants me to come down before he leaves in June, but - I'm starting work tomorrow. How is that supposed to work?
I just know I've been going insane without him because I love him so much. (wow that sounds stalkerish. but wouldn't anyone miss the person they love?) Him? Not fazed a bit. He doesn't seem to care, and when I say I miss him, it's a nonchalant, "I miss you too" answer. I want to know that he feels the same way - if he doesn't feel the same way, this isn't worth my time. Looking at those old emails makes me realize he USED to feel the same way.
Well, my new job starts at 7am tomorrow, so I'd better crash...we'll see how it all works out.