How do you avoid a void?

The darkness looms, edging closer. The light of the full moon does nothing to illuminate the shadows on my soul. The sight of the perfect orb, the glow, calls to me, as it always has. This time it doesn’t call my soul to sing with happiness, with joy overflowing, but with sorrow. Even the midnight moon can’t burn away the fog surrounding my heart. It seems nothing can. He feels responsible, which serves only to add to my guilt. My soul craves him so much I fear it may need something to tide it over…but that every act would tear my soul apart. I can’t bear the thought of it, but I can’t bear the emptiness any longer. The need to escape, the feeling of the walls closing in, restlessness within my soul grows, agitating me. Fear of the unknown and outside world swells with the same breath of freedom, however, and I know I couldn’t survive. He’s out there, waiting. I don’t trust, don’t assume, don’t need – except for him. He’s the one thing I allowed myself to lean on – my one weakness. And it has yet again come back to hurt me. I can feel him laughing, taunting at my insolence, at the innocence he stole. I fear he’s around every corner, waiting for a misstep, waiting to take me back. I won’t go back, but I can’t go forward without him. I won’t allow myself to go forward without him. How do you get freedom while staying safe indoors, how do you feed while fasting, how do you love while losing, how do you love while hating, how do you love when there’s no one there to love you back? An answer must come, must fill the void before the black hole grows.