Spinning my wheels and faking it

Well, I'm back.

A few years and many hard-learned lessons later, I remember the joyous compulsion of writing and come back to it.

I'm currently struggling with the Sisyphusian challenges of life.  We need to learn to accept our efforts and what they bring us, learn to be happy in our skin.  We will always have goals and the fights of tomorrow, but we're to learn to accept that while we reap what we sow, the fruits of those labors can be frustratingly, devastatingly different from one toiling pleb to another.  For some, the good luck keeps rolling in.  For others, Sisyphus and Prometheus are our understanding neighbors.

What within Sisyphus gives him the drive, forgiveness, wherewithal, compassion, and tenacity to wake up each morning and try again?
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.
Try again.

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  By that token, Sisyphus was clearly nuts. (Honestly, who wouldn't be?!)  But what is it called when we keep trying different things, (or at least things that FEEL different to us) but keep getting the same result?  Are we insane or are they?  By definition, the same result would mean you're doing the same thing. (The stone winds up somewhat further up the hill, then rolls back down.)  you're still stuck in a dead-end position with no power or visibility to better your condition. But... You're not doing the same things.  You know you're not.  But... Is the reason new tricks aren't moving you forward, that the same old failures are holding you back?  You only have control over what you can control.  Some days, your brain isn't even on that list.  How can I expect others to forgive such a grievous oversight, such a nasty deficit, bridge such a inexplicable expanse between their experience and mine?  It's hard enough to live my experience; I hate trying to explain it to others.  Reliving it doesn't help. How can I convince someone I have the abilities to do the next step up when I'm crap at the current one?  Why am I crap? I don't have the power to change my position or influence my daily experience.
Yeah.  I can control when I get to work, what I eat, what I drink, and who I talk to.  But my brain seems to do what it wants while I'm there.  Trying to keep it from looking information up may be counterproductive. I can't control the onslaught of emails, and I don't know how to keep trying while I'm being drowned.  I can't control the fact that there is no end in sight, just more emails, more of the same problems to be solved, though we know how to fix them, they're "looking into" (read: stealing) your ideas on how to improve efficiency and productivity.  So... Can I change how I react to them?  Can you change how you react to being dragged behind a car?  I suppose, but what good could come from convincing myself I enjoy it? Can one actually ever fake it til they make it with activities they despise? I've learned some activities are there until you get good at them, then you no longer see them.  This is undoubtedly my inbox.  Perhaps it's time to invest in the getting things done course, after all...
A disheartening night, where I hope I uncover my last bit of fight, or a new reason to fight.  You put these challenges in front of me, but I don't understand what the challenge is. Everything I learn is a double-edged sword.  Learn to be alone, but not lonely, but don't enjoy it so much you don't want to be around people.  Get in shape, exercise, eat so you don't die or eat compulsively while missing vitamins, but don't eat too much, and don't exercise too hard, lest you get hurt, then get fat all over again.  Sisyphus.  Prepare your heart for marriage....but if it doesn't come, your heart with be shattered and you'll never trust again. So... Go balls-to-the-wall full speed at this brick wall and trust there will be an air bag before you reach it.  And if there isn't, is it because that was God's will, or because I failed to do something he asked of me? Is he laughing at us trying? I can't believe that.  But what am I (not) doing that is preventing me the simple grace of love? I was in a position where... I was happy with my friends, with my career, my family... And I guess I was life rafting.  (Own that.). Time away has taken away the life rafts and taught me to swim,  and to be much pickier about which rafts I choose. Build your own raft. He must have his own, too. Structure. How can I learn rigidity when to me it means lacking forgiveness? It means I have to berate myself for each inevitable screw up, rather than allow myself the humanity of erring.  Berating led to relapses.  That wasn't good.  Perhaps focus on one thing that you know you need to do but can't seem to manage. Getting to work on time.  You can control that. Because you can control your alarm. And you can control your body.  Maybe not always your brain, but your body will listen.  Perhaps each week you're on time every day, you get a massage.  If you miss 1 day, shorter massage.  2, you're out. But 2 weeks in a row and you get 90min massage. If you're on time, you get to play scrabble.  If not, no dice.

I'll keep pondering the impossible task of attempting to coalesce ideas for an adult sticker board.  GOLD STAR!!
- Sisyphus the disheartened potroast