I inadvertently began writing my wedding toast...
I have found The One. Mary, Herman, you have raised a son that so graciously supports me, whose presence at once tears my heart and mends it, and who loves me in the manner of which fairy tales were written. I have to laugh when I think about how our relationship started, and how many of the people who know ME best said, "you're doing it again!!" or gave me That Look after I told them Eric is in the military. But we One. On a summer day when I was a little girl, I came inside to see my dad, just in from mowinboth knew from the beginning that THIS... is different. After we jumped out of a plane on our first date, he stood in my doorway with this little grin and told me, "You're worth the wait." Later that week he told me, "I have finally found my equal." That's when I knew: I have found The g the lawn, staring out the window. He was looking at my mother laying outside in the sun, and he had such a look of awe and humility on his face that it was intensely private and passionate moment and I quickly left the room. I'm pretty sure he never knew I saw him. But he had such a look of amazement at knowing that he had somehow been lucky enough to get her, that from that moment forward, I KNEW, "I want a man that will love me like that. I want a man that will look at me like that after 25 years of marriage and 2 kids, I want a man knows I may not be perfect, but I'm perfect for him." I knew I could never settle for less. I've finally found him. Many years and many struggles later, this is a marriage of equals. Eric, we have endured through lonely and difficult times and regardless of what life throws at us, we're in it together. I must warn you, Eric, that I learned from my Mother what marriage and love truly mean, that I will NOT always be your favorite person. But I WILL always be the love of your life. I love you. Now, I struggled with how I'd honor my dad here, considering that our family has now expanded to include the brother and sister I never knew I was missing until I had them and the most giving and loving man I know for a stepfather, but I settled for this: I would like to make a toast. In honor of all those who could not be here tonight, those looking down, those lost before their time. A toast, to the people who taught us to love. A toast, most of all, to the first man I ever loved. Cheers.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
More Keila-isms....
Keilaisms:
If "getting your jollies" means "having an orgasm" does that make Hugh Hefner a "Jollies Rancher"?
Would squiggles be what happens when a squid giggles? They DO leak ink...
For the record, David Sedaris is my muse. :) Apparently gay men really do do it for me. haha
Nothing like a good cover-up.
I actually like kid's toys. I'm always excited to get to go to people's houses that have kids. especially if i'm babysitting and I know they won't be back for a few hours after the baby has gone to bed. I'll have a few unsupervised hours to pull ALL of the children's toys out and play with them. I could play with the toys with the child, but I don't like sharing. Something about passing a gooey, saliva-covered block back and forth and suffering the disappointment of their uncoordinated limbs flailing about madly in a poor Michael J. Fox impersonation and knocking over my glorious creations tends to turn me off. Alone after bedtime stories, I revel in the glory of new toys, invariably breaking one or two, but quickly shoving as many as possible back in the toy box upon hearing the garage door opening. When the parents enter the room, the key is to switch the tv to CNN (off of either skinemax or cartoons, depending on your mood), and pretend to be asleep in the armchair. whatever toys are still scattered around are obviously just remnants from your horrific evening with their demon spawn, after enduring which you promptly passed out in front of Nancy Grace. Nothing like a good cover-up.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
You are my restless soul's shelter, my lonely heart's company, and my inquiring mind's ultimate answer.
This year has flown by the fastest of my life. I was so miserable for a few years there... my dad died, i married an asshole, had to try to get divorced, then I was trying to finish school, figure out what i wanted to do, and dating an alcoholic with a gambling problem... misery drags time out.
I've never been this happy. Even with Eric gone, this is the best year of my life. Just having him in my life is enough. I'm grateful we had the time to move at a pace with which we're comfortable - which is this weird fast/slow pace, since we built a house together but haven't had to have roomate arguments yet, etc. anyways, I know I'm going to blink and be 50, and look over at him and squeeze his hand, and realize that time flies when you're happy, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Then I'll blink again, and we'll have grandkids and ... what better way could anything end than hand-in-hand with a friend?
I've never been this happy. Even with Eric gone, this is the best year of my life. Just having him in my life is enough. I'm grateful we had the time to move at a pace with which we're comfortable - which is this weird fast/slow pace, since we built a house together but haven't had to have roomate arguments yet, etc. anyways, I know I'm going to blink and be 50, and look over at him and squeeze his hand, and realize that time flies when you're happy, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Then I'll blink again, and we'll have grandkids and ... what better way could anything end than hand-in-hand with a friend?
I'm quite aware this won't be popular, but...I hate stupid people.
IN RESPONSE TO THIS MESSAGE FROM ERIC:
"I'm upset. I just read an article saying that all South African babies born with HIV will receive treatments to let them live longer. Umm...long enough so they grow up and have sex and infect even more people? Good plan. Fu**ing retards. If I never step foot in Africa (except Egypt) I'll be happy."
RESPONSE:
As long as we pause on the continent long enough to say we've Christened it, I'm right there with you. I don't really see the point.
Part of evolution is that the less intelligent die off. The ones who haven't figured out how to NOT get sick (aka treat water, do something with your waste other than put it on your crops or put it in the same stream from which you procure your drinking water, etc). If they can't survive because they haven't figured out how, even when the technology/education is at their disposal (or forced down their throats, since we're teaching them how AIDS is transferred and how to prevent it and they don't believe it), then DARWIN, baby, DARWIN.
The sad part is, that will eventually start happening in the US and the rest of the world as the less intelligent continue to procreate at larger rates than their incomes can allow (or the economy can support/feed), on top of using the only money they have on useless crap they don't need (such as anything nascar, porcelain kittens, the latest gaming system, hot tubs, tattoos, cars that don't work, and sweatshirts with ANYTHING screen-printed on the front.)
I would argue that having the most recent gaming system and regularly playing it actually moves a child FURTHER from being a contributing member of society in the long-run, and further from being eugenically relevant to the long-term continuation of the human race.
The time spent staring at a screen comes at a high opportunity cost, including:
MENTAL STIMULATION that applies to something BESIDES the video game. So your child beat Halo 3 at 12 years old. Can he multiply? Divide? Speak another language (other than something learned while playing an old "Dora the Explorer" game)? Problem-solve (other than how to beat the goblin on level 8 by pressing combinations of A/B/Z/Up/Down buttons?)
This brings us to the second opportunity cost:
A RELEVANT EDUCATION. Topics would include:
-human history: if you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them.
-literature: be honest, in order to understand history and wtf people were talking about, you have to read some of the things they read. You'll then have common ground and understand what they're talking about and where they're coming from.
-wilderness education: if you don't know how to keep from freezing to death, which plants and animals are edible, when to NOT be in certain places, etc, you're definitely in trouble. Not to mention HOW TO READ A MAP. That's right, that paper thing with the red and blue squiggly lines. GPS won't work when there's no one around smart enough to keep the satellites orbiting the earth. (or making/designing the GPS's, for that matter)
Even if you can READ the map, there's still the NEXT cost to consider:
ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY- they aren't exercising, which makes running AFTER prey or AWAY from predators more difficult. or biking away from them, etc. (I'm ignoring cars/motorized vehicles in this case because they are bad for the environment and gas supplies aren't limitless. I'm ignoring the possibility of solar-powered electric cars because if "Idiocracy" is in effect, they won't be running anyways. Again, they won't know how to make or fix them. :) )
The lack of physical activity would cause a weaker heart, greater diabetes, shorter life expectancy, higher cholesterol, less exposure to the outdoors (and therefore less familiarity with things like pollen, likely resulting in more allergies, etc.), less muscle tone (except in your thumbs - again, making it more difficult to hunt your quarry). Less exercise is also linked to more injuries. With less intelligent doctors (*cough cough* universal healthcare!), the injuries are more likely to not make it in the first place, and less likely to heal properly, again resulting in problems getting food (or a mate).
True, man can grow food. Learning nothing but the landscape of their living rooms would leave them unaccustomed to physical labor, making it less likely they're able to grow food. Further, the education they could have received in biology and botany would help them understand which plants grow best in which conditions, how to maximize harvest, etc.
THE LAST opportunity cost, perhaps the most costly:
HUMAN INTERACTION. By inserting so many forms of communication between people (IMing, emailing, texting, phones, skype, mail, twitter, facebook, etc), we're actually communicating with each other LESS. This is actually resulting in people never learning proper body language and how to express themselves verbally. This could result in a lot of miscommunication, or the eventual breakdown in human society's ability to come to agreements. Being capable of expressing opinions only with smiley faces and "lol"s does not bode well for the future. It's called VOCABULARY, people! "diatribe" and "harangue" are NOT the same thing as "criticism"!
I have to stop myself or I'll just keep going... GAH!
"I'm upset. I just read an article saying that all South African babies born with HIV will receive treatments to let them live longer. Umm...long enough so they grow up and have sex and infect even more people? Good plan. Fu**ing retards. If I never step foot in Africa (except Egypt) I'll be happy."
RESPONSE:
As long as we pause on the continent long enough to say we've Christened it, I'm right there with you. I don't really see the point.
Part of evolution is that the less intelligent die off. The ones who haven't figured out how to NOT get sick (aka treat water, do something with your waste other than put it on your crops or put it in the same stream from which you procure your drinking water, etc). If they can't survive because they haven't figured out how, even when the technology/education is at their disposal (or forced down their throats, since we're teaching them how AIDS is transferred and how to prevent it and they don't believe it), then DARWIN, baby, DARWIN.
The sad part is, that will eventually start happening in the US and the rest of the world as the less intelligent continue to procreate at larger rates than their incomes can allow (or the economy can support/feed), on top of using the only money they have on useless crap they don't need (such as anything nascar, porcelain kittens, the latest gaming system, hot tubs, tattoos, cars that don't work, and sweatshirts with ANYTHING screen-printed on the front.)
I would argue that having the most recent gaming system and regularly playing it actually moves a child FURTHER from being a contributing member of society in the long-run, and further from being eugenically relevant to the long-term continuation of the human race.
The time spent staring at a screen comes at a high opportunity cost, including:
MENTAL STIMULATION that applies to something BESIDES the video game. So your child beat Halo 3 at 12 years old. Can he multiply? Divide? Speak another language (other than something learned while playing an old "Dora the Explorer" game)? Problem-solve (other than how to beat the goblin on level 8 by pressing combinations of A/B/Z/Up/Down buttons?)
This brings us to the second opportunity cost:
A RELEVANT EDUCATION. Topics would include:
-human history: if you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them.
-literature: be honest, in order to understand history and wtf people were talking about, you have to read some of the things they read. You'll then have common ground and understand what they're talking about and where they're coming from.
-wilderness education: if you don't know how to keep from freezing to death, which plants and animals are edible, when to NOT be in certain places, etc, you're definitely in trouble. Not to mention HOW TO READ A MAP. That's right, that paper thing with the red and blue squiggly lines. GPS won't work when there's no one around smart enough to keep the satellites orbiting the earth. (or making/designing the GPS's, for that matter)
Even if you can READ the map, there's still the NEXT cost to consider:
ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL ACTIVITY- they aren't exercising, which makes running AFTER prey or AWAY from predators more difficult. or biking away from them, etc. (I'm ignoring cars/motorized vehicles in this case because they are bad for the environment and gas supplies aren't limitless. I'm ignoring the possibility of solar-powered electric cars because if "Idiocracy" is in effect, they won't be running anyways. Again, they won't know how to make or fix them. :) )
The lack of physical activity would cause a weaker heart, greater diabetes, shorter life expectancy, higher cholesterol, less exposure to the outdoors (and therefore less familiarity with things like pollen, likely resulting in more allergies, etc.), less muscle tone (except in your thumbs - again, making it more difficult to hunt your quarry). Less exercise is also linked to more injuries. With less intelligent doctors (*cough cough* universal healthcare!), the injuries are more likely to not make it in the first place, and less likely to heal properly, again resulting in problems getting food (or a mate).
True, man can grow food. Learning nothing but the landscape of their living rooms would leave them unaccustomed to physical labor, making it less likely they're able to grow food. Further, the education they could have received in biology and botany would help them understand which plants grow best in which conditions, how to maximize harvest, etc.
THE LAST opportunity cost, perhaps the most costly:
HUMAN INTERACTION. By inserting so many forms of communication between people (IMing, emailing, texting, phones, skype, mail, twitter, facebook, etc), we're actually communicating with each other LESS. This is actually resulting in people never learning proper body language and how to express themselves verbally. This could result in a lot of miscommunication, or the eventual breakdown in human society's ability to come to agreements. Being capable of expressing opinions only with smiley faces and "lol"s does not bode well for the future. It's called VOCABULARY, people! "diatribe" and "harangue" are NOT the same thing as "criticism"!
I have to stop myself or I'll just keep going... GAH!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Heavy
In the past week I’ve had to face the possibility that I won’t be able to have kids, spent 2 days in bed, struggled to get the use of my ankle back after injuring it while escaping an attempting raper, had to come to terms with my brother (who was always better at everything than me) getting engaged and graduating medical school.
I can handle the fear of not having kids. I’m dealing with the possibilities as they come. I can handle that one day at a time because I’m a long way away from hearing “never”. I'm just not looking forward to dealing with this pain.
Facing Carlos again at Kyle’s party is going to be very difficult. I’m worried he or his wife will corner me and attempt to get an answer from me on what happened that night or try to explain it away. I’m still trying to get over what happened, both to my ankle and to my heart. Yet one more man in my life that hurt me.
I’m happy for Kyle getting engaged. I’m a little hurt that he wound up using the same song that I’d have chosen for us…but he couldn’t have known. It’s just irony, but because we have so much in common, despite all our denials, it will always seem like I’m copying him instead of following my path that just happens to go in a similar place. I don’t want to be him. I want to be me. I just want his approval – cuz I’ll never get it. I’ve spent my life being the bigger person and just putting up with what he does to me says to me, anything he can dish out. I’ve spent my life just taking it, and I’m sick of being the proper younger sister. I’ve been hurt too many times to just let it be. I’ve called a truce in my heart for a while, told myself that I didn’t need an apology for all the water under the bridge, all the injuries. While life is too short to hold grudges for small transgressions, it’s too long not to stand up for what you deserve, and too long to not apologize for those transgressions once realized. I am proud of him. I’m surprisingly not jealous…I think I’ve made most of my peace with the path I chose. This is what’s right for me. I want Eric. I want to fall deeper in love with him every day, I want to wake up on the home we built together as we build our life together. I want to marry him, have adventures with him, and make a family with him. I want to spend my life making him smile, making him wiggle, surprising him, and spoiling him rotten. I want to be what he never saw coming and is always grateful he found. If this is the path that I had to take to get me where I am, then I took the right one.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Rant
I am very frustrated with the thought of only getting 2 days, too. are you upset with me for being hesitant to take 4 days vacation or upset with the situation and the fact that it makes it so hard for me to be there for 4 days? I'm strong enough to handle this. I don't need you to be my rock. I need you to show your love to me. I need YOU. I need our conversations. Me crying doesn't mean I can't handle it, it means I miss you and I'm sad. It's ok for me to cry. It's not healthy if I dont' try to find constructive ways to let my emotions out. Crying is ok. I think too hard - I analyze everything, and i babble about all of it to you. but because you see me going through all the though processes in between, you're starting to think I can't handle it. I can. I'm just going to think about and overanalyze everything before coming to the conclusion: "Meh; oh, well. Love you, hon!" You thinking I'm crazy and weak is making me FEEL crazy and weak and question myself at every turn, making me THINK i'm crazy and weak. I need you to realize that this is my process. I'm fine. I'll handle it. It's kind of like putting junk in a garbage disposal. just cuz it makes noise and grinds and whines and needs water running doesn't mean it can't grind up the steak. It's just doing what it does. It just makes noise while it does it, and has needs in order TO do it. My need is you letting me know what's going on. since that's not happening, I bug you for information, or stop caring. But how can I love you if I don't care?I'm sorry I was so harsh on you earlier this week; it was a surprise to go from talking to a loving, doting man to GI Joe - I've never seen that transformation before. The thing is - the time you're giving me ISN'T enough. My needs are greater than you can give me right now. The next part is a lot of ranting of my honest thinking process and trying to get myself under control. I was going to delete it but figured it might help you understand where i'm coming from. if you want to skip my stream of consciousness, scroll down to "END OF BITCHFEST". I was frustrated earlier this week more with your tone than anything else. I just wanted a conversation like the one we had earlier about puppies and the future. All that's getting me through this is thinking about the future and the things we'll have at the end of this. You don't want to talk about that in front of your guys, though, and it's probably harder for you to think about the future cuz you'd rather concentrate on now. I think I need to just emotionally let you go a bit. I've been afraid of giving you that slack cuz when I gave it to max, he got 3 hookers pregnant. when i gave it to kurt, when he came back, he didn't notice the slack/distance and didn't care to have the closeness back. i need to trust that if I let you go you'll come back, and want to be close to me. My biggest fear isn't that you won't come back. it's that you won't be the same person when you do. The thing is - you won't be. neither will I. We're going to grow and change and learn in the next year. That's ok. It's just scary. I'm sick of growing apart from the other person and having it not fit after a year. I don't want to keep looking. I dont' want to lose what we have. I don't trust that this will be here in a year unless I'm making sure it stays alive. but there's a fine line between mothering and smothering.I get frustrated with trying to understand you now. You've always had time for me. Now you have none. I don't care if it's a 30 second "I just wanted to call and say I love you. I love you! bye!" that means a lot to me. I don't understand your complete focus. I can't block you out of my brain, you're always on part of my mind. You can block everything else out and just do what you're doing and not think of me for 12 hours or have to contact me. I don't understand that, so I'm going to be a bit insulted by that. I just have to accept it. Further, the fact that you ARE so busy means that whenever you call I have to drop everything going on in my life to talk to you. That frustrates me cuz max expected me to do that. it's a silent statement that says anything of yours is infinitely more important than anything of mine - and that pisses me off. I'm half of this relationship, too. I need to back up and get my own life - which is hard when I'm supposed to move into your house and oversee your affairs. the whole process makes me feel like you're the more important person in the relationship. I am a giver - whatever is in my power to give you, I will. The problem is - I don't know if you'd do this for me. I've never known that the other person would put as much into it as I do. I think you were right at the beginning of the relationship - you said "I hope you don't expect me to put this much effort forth all the time..." well, not EVERY DAY, but.. yes. I do expect it. I may be too much for you. I'm high maintenance. I require a challenge. while you're gone and can't challenge me i need to find something to do with myself, with my mind. I don't know what that is yet, but it might include travel, and it might include the novel sensation of you having to wait for me for a bit. I'm sick of being the one left behind by fate. that's my baggage from before. I can do this, i have no doubt. I'm just sick of doing it and hate myself for putting up with it, no matter the fact that you're worth it - we're worth it. AREN'T I WORTH IT? I want to be the more important one for a change. I want people to ask YOU how I'm doing all the time. I like doing it for you, I like being able to be there for you and have you know you can rely on me. I hope you're grateful. but more than that I think I need to know that you aren't just grateful, but that you'd be willing to do it for me. I give you massages, I dress up in outfits and spend money I shouldn't on heels to make you want me and hope you find me attractive. I try to make my apt feel like a home for you since you don't have a specific place to land, and I want you at my side. I take vacation days and fly around the country for you. Will you someday be able to reciprocate? I've been so used to being used that I would feel guilty if you flew cross-country to see JUST me. I think a lot of this is me dealing with my baggage from before and trying to figure out how to not bring home any more. I told you I need to let go of my baggage and just be me so that you can love me completely. The problem is, I need you to love me completely, too, and I have a hard time understanding that you can love me completely with so little time. like I said - i'm much different. I would call you for 30 seconds just to say "I was thinking of you. I love you. I gotta go, but I love you. BYE!" you wouldn't do that. I don't understand that. but i need to let it go. you think that that isn't ignoring me, and to me - it is. cuz i don't understand being so busy you can't take 30 seconds when you go to the bathroom, as you head back, pause and call me for 30 seconds. I don't get that. I feel like an obligation. I'm waiting for the day you WANT to talk to me again. I need to stop expecting anythign from you - i just get disappointed, especially since i have no guarantee of any time with you in the next year. the question is - how can I stay in love with you while holding you at arms length? if I give you space and you take the space and I talk to you once a week, but we don't have our conversations... I don't know, that was the whole point of us. we were so close. our conversations kept us on the same page, and very close. now i feel like you're saying, "no, we're gonna be far away and in different books. I thought you knew that. can't you handle it?" I thought the whole point was we were going to try to stay on the same page. I just miss our conversations. I either need to find another way of getting simliar mental stimulation, I need to give up on it and move on, need to shut up and handle it, or I need to find a way to have them with you while you're gone. Well, time is the issue. we can't have them. so i need to figure out which path I want to take. END OF BITCHFESTTHE BOTTOM LINE - I'm struggling with the fact that I have needs greater than you can fulfill right now. that means I'm whiny and demanding. which means you really dont' want to talk to me even when you can, which means i get more demanding. I don't know how to have my needs fulfilled in ways of which you approve. I feel like asking for what I need is whining and being high maintenance, but then yell at myself that my needs are my needs and I deserve to have them met just like anyone else. I was happy alone a year ago. The thing is, now I know what it's like to have all the little holes in my heart filled - and now it's been taken away. I have to try to find ways to fill them again while you're gone, even though they seem bigger than ever. What they don't tell you about finding and falling in love with the love of your life is the fact that afterwards, everything done without that person at your side will be a little grayer, have a little less color, flavor, life to it. I love you. Life without you is gray. I can handle the monochromism, but I'm allowed to complain about it a bit. It's one of my ways of telling you I care, that life is dull without you. I am sorry that my missing you makes it hard for you. but I'm not sorry I miss you. I feel like you're expecting me to not care you're gone. I do. I love you.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I promise.
(9:56:17 PM): I promise: to never take myself too seriously, to never give up on you, even when you give up on yourself. to forgive (I'm allowed to be mad for a bit, but I promise to forgive.) I promise to be faithful to you. My body, my heart, my soul, are yours, as they were always meant to be - and shall remain that way until the day the first dies, the second stops beating, and the last goes on to wait for you to join me...or to join you for all eternity. I am yours, and yours alone - every inch. I promise myself to you. I promise to do my best to become the mother of your children, and once I am, to be the best mother to them I can be. I promise to be the best wife and lover I can to you, and to spoil you rotten for the rest of your life. I promise to make you smile. I promise I'll yell too loudly at Packer games, and I promise to wear naughty things in the bedroom. I promise to try to entice you for the rest of my life. I promise I'll never get over you. I promise to wait for you, even when my patience runs out and my desperation for you grows. I will wait. I won't like it, but I will wait. I promise to be here when you return...whenever that may be. Just please don't abuse that. I promise to you: my love, my fidelity, my patience, and my future. Wherever we decide to wander in our lives, I promise we'll wander together. I love you - I promise you that. I just needed to say that. I needed to tell you. I promise to jump on the bed with you, to stop and cherish the little things. I promise to dance with you on Christmas morning and decorate the house together. I promise to make memories WITH you, not FOR you. I promise to always try to better myself - for me, for you, and for our children. I promise to utterly bewilder you. I promise to make you fall in love with me over and over again...well, I'll try my best on that one. I promise to surprise you. I promise to listen to you - though you may need to take away shiny things at times. I promise to do my very best to communicate to you what I need and want and feel. I promise to not cut you out of my life, or leave you out in the cold. I promise you're going to cry at our wedding - I will, too. I promise to push you when you need it, walk with you when you need it, and be the safe place for you to land when you need that, too. I promise you adventure, laughter, and love. I promise you me.
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