Yesterday after work I went down by the pool and had a beer and just relaxed. It was a great way to unwind – I can’t wait to do it with Kurt.
I can’t get him off my mind, and I hate that when I do get to talk to him I come across as so desperate for him and desperate to talk to him…but I am.
I’m desperate to hear his voice, to touch him, kiss him, to just hear his thoughts, know what’s on his mind…because I pray I’m on the list. I feel like such a fool for some of the things I say, but my feelings for him are so strong they scare me. I’m not afraid for if I didn’t have him, I’m just startled by how strong my feelings for him are when I’m with him, or just talk to him, or just hear his voice – my cup runneth over. I can’t believe one person can contain as that much feeling… I wrote in an IM, “It’s hard for me to believe that one person can contain this much emotion. I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams, both from having so much sadness from the loss of him, but also from so much happiness and love when I think of him and when I get to talk to him. The dynamic is overwhelming – I have this person whom I care for so much I’d give my life – and in a way I have to do that. I have to put that life on hold for him, and he’s worth it. But in the meantime, I’m alone, I’m not going to put myself in compromising or tempting situations – I owe him that much. He’s worth the wait – I know that balls to bones – but I’m not a patient person. Neither is he. And the patience required not only for the wait of this but also the wait until he’s out of the Navy and home, and then the wait until I’m 25 and we can get married…it’s at times so crushing it’s almost unbearable. I don’t want to put my life on hold for 3 more years…yet it doesn’t matter. I waited 4 years from when I first met him to get him, and I’ll probably wait 4 more years after that to marry him. In the long run, 8 years out of 80 isn’t that big of a deal. But I’m 22 – 8 years out of 22 is almost half my life…
I love him. I just have to keep this hatred of the situation we're in from turning inward, or worse, turning on him. I hate what the Navy is taking from us.
I can’t get him off my mind, and I hate that when I do get to talk to him I come across as so desperate for him and desperate to talk to him…but I am.
I’m desperate to hear his voice, to touch him, kiss him, to just hear his thoughts, know what’s on his mind…because I pray I’m on the list. I feel like such a fool for some of the things I say, but my feelings for him are so strong they scare me. I’m not afraid for if I didn’t have him, I’m just startled by how strong my feelings for him are when I’m with him, or just talk to him, or just hear his voice – my cup runneth over. I can’t believe one person can contain as that much feeling… I wrote in an IM, “It’s hard for me to believe that one person can contain this much emotion. I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams, both from having so much sadness from the loss of him, but also from so much happiness and love when I think of him and when I get to talk to him. The dynamic is overwhelming – I have this person whom I care for so much I’d give my life – and in a way I have to do that. I have to put that life on hold for him, and he’s worth it. But in the meantime, I’m alone, I’m not going to put myself in compromising or tempting situations – I owe him that much. He’s worth the wait – I know that balls to bones – but I’m not a patient person. Neither is he. And the patience required not only for the wait of this but also the wait until he’s out of the Navy and home, and then the wait until I’m 25 and we can get married…it’s at times so crushing it’s almost unbearable. I don’t want to put my life on hold for 3 more years…yet it doesn’t matter. I waited 4 years from when I first met him to get him, and I’ll probably wait 4 more years after that to marry him. In the long run, 8 years out of 80 isn’t that big of a deal. But I’m 22 – 8 years out of 22 is almost half my life…
I love him. I just have to keep this hatred of the situation we're in from turning inward, or worse, turning on him. I hate what the Navy is taking from us.
The 20th is the anniversary of it, and I don't know what to do with it.
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