Friday, May 25, 2007
You’re My Home
You’re the answer to my heart’s deepest and most desperate wish, prayer, and desire. I wished for someone to give my heart, soul, and body to; prayed to find him, and desired to be fulfilled and contented in every way possible. I’ve found that in you. You’ve given me the peace of a soul no longer lost and wandering. I’ve found my home, and it’s in you, with you. Wherever it may lead us and wherever you go, I am, too, because all you have to do is close your eyes and I’ll be there – because I have given myself to you entirely. You have me – all of me – and whatever you do in the rest of your life, you’ll take my love, my heart, and my soul along. Because you’re my home. You’re where I belong.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
whoops
I wasn't done yet. So this is a continuation of the last blog.
I'm worried about Kurt, and what he's thinking. We're talking about the future and while we're both excited about it, it's scary. I'm just scared he's changing his mind - he's not talking to me the way he used to. And to make it worse, it's a catch-22 - me constantly asking, "is everything ok" makes it not.
I keep having dreams that he's not coming back from Bahrain, and while I know he's not infantry going to Iraq or anything, if Iran decides to make an attack, he's going to be on the front line. In a ship that has only one gun, a machine gun on deck. I want to move down there so badly, and now that I have the opportunity he tells me he doesn't want me there - he'd rather have me here, working and getting an apartment and somewhere for us to live once he's out. I understand that, but if I don't see him soon I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough for this relationship to last that long. He wants me to come down before he leaves in June, but - I'm starting work tomorrow. How is that supposed to work?
I just know I've been going insane without him because I love him so much. (wow that sounds stalkerish. but wouldn't anyone miss the person they love?) Him? Not fazed a bit. He doesn't seem to care, and when I say I miss him, it's a nonchalant, "I miss you too" answer. I want to know that he feels the same way - if he doesn't feel the same way, this isn't worth my time. Looking at those old emails makes me realize he USED to feel the same way.
Well, my new job starts at 7am tomorrow, so I'd better crash...we'll see how it all works out.
I'm worried about Kurt, and what he's thinking. We're talking about the future and while we're both excited about it, it's scary. I'm just scared he's changing his mind - he's not talking to me the way he used to. And to make it worse, it's a catch-22 - me constantly asking, "is everything ok" makes it not.
I keep having dreams that he's not coming back from Bahrain, and while I know he's not infantry going to Iraq or anything, if Iran decides to make an attack, he's going to be on the front line. In a ship that has only one gun, a machine gun on deck. I want to move down there so badly, and now that I have the opportunity he tells me he doesn't want me there - he'd rather have me here, working and getting an apartment and somewhere for us to live once he's out. I understand that, but if I don't see him soon I don't know if I'm going to be strong enough for this relationship to last that long. He wants me to come down before he leaves in June, but - I'm starting work tomorrow. How is that supposed to work?
I just know I've been going insane without him because I love him so much. (wow that sounds stalkerish. but wouldn't anyone miss the person they love?) Him? Not fazed a bit. He doesn't seem to care, and when I say I miss him, it's a nonchalant, "I miss you too" answer. I want to know that he feels the same way - if he doesn't feel the same way, this isn't worth my time. Looking at those old emails makes me realize he USED to feel the same way.
Well, my new job starts at 7am tomorrow, so I'd better crash...we'll see how it all works out.
Explanations may be necessary
"Pot Roast" - yes, I'm actually called that. My fiancee calls me that for my body temp. I'm always cold, so I usually curl myself up in a blanket so I don't freeze. But if the reason I'm cold is I give off all my body heat, so when he cuddles with me I'm a heater. So, when I curl up in a blanket I'm roasting myself, hence cooking the pot roast. His nickname: biscuit. We have a few nicknames for each other. Me: armadillo, princess, babycakes, Legs, Dr. Oleszko ... I'm sure more will come. Him: Sparky, Chuck, Mr. Norris, Wonder Woman, ... more to come.
He's in the navy, with one year left. I just graduated college with a Bachelor's in psychology. We'll see how our lives unfold.
Currently I am at home with my mom and stepdad in Wisconsin. He is stationed in Texas and currently on a ship in the middle of the Gulf. I'm going bonkers without him. Earlier tonight I took to rereading emails we sent to each other when we first started dating - it's heartening to see how much we loved each other. "They say when you know, you know. ... and I know." I feel so lucky to have met him, especially after all I've been through in the last few years. I know I've been hard on him in the last few weeks, though, from a night out on the town to celebrate my graduation (no, I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did drink WAAY to much and wasn't able to get home on my own. Since he's in Texas, there was nothing he could do to help, and he wound up having to call my best friend to try to get her to come pick me up. She, however, was at work and couldn't help. So her mom was out driving around looking for me.) He's taken a lot of wear and tear lately. I think he's doubting the long-term implications of the relationship, and that scares me. I don't want anyone else. I'm finally strong enough and sure enough in the relationship that I know I don't need to look - there is no better than what I have. There are plenty of others I could have fun with, but I know that I have a future with him. His doubt in that is making me feel very uncertain about myself.
I've tried to talk to him about it and even more disconcerting was his response, "I have nothing to say to you." With his impending absence (he's leaving for Bahrain from June - October/November), I'm having a hard time accepting that he doesn't have anything to say to me now, while he still has the chance. I know he's upset about that night, and I apogized, and while I know that it doesn't make up for it, I think he should be able to talk to me about his concerns. If he's got an issue, tell me about it. If I don't understand, I'm going to ask about it, but how is that bad? Isn't me trying to understand the point of view of the man I'm (hopefully) going to marry a GOOD thing?
I did get a job today, and that's a good thing. well, a temp position that has potential, but - hey, I'm working tomorrow. I'm getting paid. I'm glad to be able to bring in a little money. (Hopefully more than a little).
I also got to visit Diane, my maid of honor. She's been my friend for 8 years now. We met the first day of high school our first class, and she sat behind me in Calculus with Mr. Drage. She's leaving for Honduras for 5 months (she graduated this last weekend, too).
He's in the navy, with one year left. I just graduated college with a Bachelor's in psychology. We'll see how our lives unfold.
Currently I am at home with my mom and stepdad in Wisconsin. He is stationed in Texas and currently on a ship in the middle of the Gulf. I'm going bonkers without him. Earlier tonight I took to rereading emails we sent to each other when we first started dating - it's heartening to see how much we loved each other. "They say when you know, you know. ... and I know." I feel so lucky to have met him, especially after all I've been through in the last few years. I know I've been hard on him in the last few weeks, though, from a night out on the town to celebrate my graduation (no, I didn't sleep with anyone, but I did drink WAAY to much and wasn't able to get home on my own. Since he's in Texas, there was nothing he could do to help, and he wound up having to call my best friend to try to get her to come pick me up. She, however, was at work and couldn't help. So her mom was out driving around looking for me.) He's taken a lot of wear and tear lately. I think he's doubting the long-term implications of the relationship, and that scares me. I don't want anyone else. I'm finally strong enough and sure enough in the relationship that I know I don't need to look - there is no better than what I have. There are plenty of others I could have fun with, but I know that I have a future with him. His doubt in that is making me feel very uncertain about myself.
I've tried to talk to him about it and even more disconcerting was his response, "I have nothing to say to you." With his impending absence (he's leaving for Bahrain from June - October/November), I'm having a hard time accepting that he doesn't have anything to say to me now, while he still has the chance. I know he's upset about that night, and I apogized, and while I know that it doesn't make up for it, I think he should be able to talk to me about his concerns. If he's got an issue, tell me about it. If I don't understand, I'm going to ask about it, but how is that bad? Isn't me trying to understand the point of view of the man I'm (hopefully) going to marry a GOOD thing?
I did get a job today, and that's a good thing. well, a temp position that has potential, but - hey, I'm working tomorrow. I'm getting paid. I'm glad to be able to bring in a little money. (Hopefully more than a little).
I also got to visit Diane, my maid of honor. She's been my friend for 8 years now. We met the first day of high school our first class, and she sat behind me in Calculus with Mr. Drage. She's leaving for Honduras for 5 months (she graduated this last weekend, too).
Thursday, May 10, 2007
The ending that starts it all.
I graduate from college on Saturday. The same college my dad went to for grad school. I really wish my dad could be here for this. When he died 2 years ago I kept saying he'd finished raising me, and I knew I wouldn't need him for advice in my everyday life, but he wouldn't be there for the pictures - Christmases, birthdays, graduations, weddings, babies.... this is one of those pictures I really would've loved him to be there for.
To begin again
For Jameel, the only man who ever shared my obsession with Rargles. ;) Just a place to put my thoughts. Don't know if I'll share them, or with whom, but...I'll write more later. I have to finish a paper for Dr. McFaddy's class. (aka Dr. McFadden. Ironically, quite skinny.)
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