Another Love Letter...Another Week Past.

I am so antsy to hear your voice… I’m trying to make a mental list of everything I’m going to say to you, but when it comes down to it none of it is important; none of it matters – except this: “I love you, I’m in love with you, and I pick you.”
Life is hard for both of us now – but when it all boils down to the bottom line, that’s the only thing that matters. When I go to sleep at night, in my head you’re laying next to me, the last thought of the night, the first of the morning. My mind is on you, and how blessed I am to be able to spend my life with the love of my life, and the man I’ve had a crush on (oh, who am I kidding – a BURNING passion for) since I was 16. I can’t wait to have you to myself. I can’t wait to be with you, and belong to you for good. I’ve found that I’ve relaxed into our love, and found it very comfortable. I was finally in the right place in the right time – and found you, a discovery which still amazes me. It wasn’t just surprise at the chemistry that was still there 5 years later – it was surprise that what was there was so much more than just chemistry. We didn’t find lust, in the form it was when we were teenagers, it wasn’t just being in love, the form I know we’re in now, it was love – a love that will last until the end and beyond. It means the world to me to hear you say things like what you did about your Grandpa, and the fact that he still goes to have lunch with your Grandma every day. You said you’d do the same thing, and we’d still be in love, just like they are, in 80 years. I find it amazing you’d want to put up with me for 80 years, but it was exactly what I wanted to hear. My biggest fear is losing all the people I love and winding up alone. My biggest fear is losing you. Knowing that we’re going to be one of those cute old couples that still holds hands and steals kisses and you still pinch my ass when I’m 90…is all I’ve ever wanted, and I’ve never wanted it with anyone but you. The fact that you see the same future, and want that with only me, means more to me than I can explain. It is the epitome of what I keep saying to you – when you told me that, I realized that you pick me, too.

The potroast is craving the biscuit.

I've realized something. I went to the party Sunday to get out of the house and because I wanted some human contact. After about 2 hours, I was ready to go home. I realized that I didn't just want to be around people, I didn't just want human contact - I wanted YOU. I miss YOU. I don't just want to be around people, don't just want to have a conversation - I want to be around YOU, have conversations with YOU. No one else cuts it. I could be around people all day, but - they're not you! it's kind of like (I'm being painfully honest here) - I haven't been able to quench my ... desires lately, with anything. I'll pass someone and go, "oh, he's cute", and the thought will cross my mind, and I'll immediately laugh because I know I won't, I'd never, and I know that even if I did it wouldn't quench a damn thing because I dont want just body contact, I don't want just sex, I want YOU. ALL of you. Sex with you has spoiled me - it's this COMPLETE package of body satisfaction, complete attraction, and the completion of this part of my soul - I'm never gonna want anyone else because no one else can satisfy me. And my body and soul are missing you terribly - BUT - at the same time - it feels SO COOL to know what we have now. To know how I feel about you, balls to bones, and the conviction I have in us - is so ... heartening, I guess. I know I'll always have us to lean on; to know that we can do it, you know? I've thought about what I'd do if I lost you, and I just .. I always thought before if I lost someone I'd move on, maybe date again, whatever. Before you, an end of a relationship was always in some ways a relief - I got to flirt again, I got to date again. I know that would never be the case. I'd probably EVENTUALLY move on, but - I'm so happy with you and where we are and where I am in my life I think I'd ... well, part of me would always be waiting for you to come home to me in OUR apartment. I don't know that I'd date again for a VERY long time. I've just found my other half, I've found my contentment. And I've waited all my life for this kind of love - the kind of love that even time itself will lie down and be still for. I'm no longer restless; my soul is finally at rest - in yours.

You're Ordering WHAT?!

I'm entering orders at work, and there's always a small description of the parts. Here are the latest ones:
SEAL ASSY FACE
ASSY-BUSHING
SPIDER ASSY
CASE-ASSY GEAR
SPIDER-PLANETARY
SPIDER-PLANET

and my favorite reason a part was rejected: BAD PANCAKE (that's right. You tell that pancake's who boss. Whip dey butt!)

I can't get my mind off of you...

GRAVYMONSTER!!!!!!! :D I can't stop thinking about you - so I thought I'd tell you so. I just randomly keep remembering things we've done....like when we had champagne, strawberries and..... on the beach, or the first time at the Sandcastle, or going to Sea World and you just laughing at me geeking out about all the dolphins, or when you first came over and I immediately threw my arms around you...then made you come help me shovel the driveway. haha but you got back at me - you aimed the snowblower at my back... HAHA Or the first time I...and it look 40 seconds..then you saw my ass for the first time and almost came again and all I could say was, 'What? Like you didn't know?' as you had this "HOLY FUCKING GOD" look on your face that 1) this girl just sucked me off, and 2) omg she's gorgeous. haha Goooood memories.

I love you, OH! I forgot to tell you - yesterday I went to the library and got a bunch of books (all romances - LOL). Then I went home and harassed Misha for a bit, then went to Walmart cuz I was having cravinsg and got ice cream and cookies.... then I realized as I accidentally dropped my library books on the sidewalk outside my apartment, and threw them in the walmart bag...then I realized I was the epitomy of the Single White Female - I'm coming home with a bunch of romance novels and a carton of ice cream and cookies... SHOOT ME NOW. haha oh, well - they'll tide me over till I have you again...

I love you!!

Patience Is A Virtue - But Not One I Possess...

Yesterday after work I went down by the pool and had a beer and just relaxed. It was a great way to unwind – I can’t wait to do it with Kurt.
I can’t get him off my mind, and I hate that when I do get to talk to him I come across as so desperate for him and desperate to talk to him…but I am.
I’m desperate to hear his voice, to touch him, kiss him, to just hear his thoughts, know what’s on his mind…because I pray I’m on the list. I feel like such a fool for some of the things I say, but my feelings for him are so strong they scare me. I’m not afraid for if I didn’t have him, I’m just startled by how strong my feelings for him are when I’m with him, or just talk to him, or just hear his voice – my cup runneth over. I can’t believe one person can contain as that much feeling… I wrote in an IM, “It’s hard for me to believe that one person can contain this much emotion. I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams, both from having so much sadness from the loss of him, but also from so much happiness and love when I think of him and when I get to talk to him. The dynamic is overwhelming – I have this person whom I care for so much I’d give my life – and in a way I have to do that. I have to put that life on hold for him, and he’s worth it. But in the meantime, I’m alone, I’m not going to put myself in compromising or tempting situations – I owe him that much. He’s worth the wait – I know that balls to bones – but I’m not a patient person. Neither is he. And the patience required not only for the wait of this but also the wait until he’s out of the Navy and home, and then the wait until I’m 25 and we can get married…it’s at times so crushing it’s almost unbearable. I don’t want to put my life on hold for 3 more years…yet it doesn’t matter. I waited 4 years from when I first met him to get him, and I’ll probably wait 4 more years after that to marry him. In the long run, 8 years out of 80 isn’t that big of a deal. But I’m 22 – 8 years out of 22 is almost half my life…
I love him. I just have to keep this hatred of the situation we're in from turning inward, or worse, turning on him. I hate what the Navy is taking from us.

The 20th is the anniversary of it, and I don't know what to do with it.