In the past week I’ve had to face the possibility that I won’t be able to have kids, spent 2 days in bed, struggled to get the use of my ankle back after injuring it while escaping an attempting raper, had to come to terms with my brother (who was always better at everything than me) getting engaged and graduating medical school.
I can handle the fear of not having kids. I’m dealing with the possibilities as they come. I can handle that one day at a time because I’m a long way away from hearing “never”. I'm just not looking forward to dealing with this pain.
Facing Carlos again at Kyle’s party is going to be very difficult. I’m worried he or his wife will corner me and attempt to get an answer from me on what happened that night or try to explain it away. I’m still trying to get over what happened, both to my ankle and to my heart. Yet one more man in my life that hurt me.
I’m happy for Kyle getting engaged. I’m a little hurt that he wound up using the same song that I’d have chosen for us…but he couldn’t have known. It’s just irony, but because we have so much in common, despite all our denials, it will always seem like I’m copying him instead of following my path that just happens to go in a similar place. I don’t want to be him. I want to be me. I just want his approval – cuz I’ll never get it. I’ve spent my life being the bigger person and just putting up with what he does to me says to me, anything he can dish out. I’ve spent my life just taking it, and I’m sick of being the proper younger sister. I’ve been hurt too many times to just let it be. I’ve called a truce in my heart for a while, told myself that I didn’t need an apology for all the water under the bridge, all the injuries. While life is too short to hold grudges for small transgressions, it’s too long not to stand up for what you deserve, and too long to not apologize for those transgressions once realized. I am proud of him. I’m surprisingly not jealous…I think I’ve made most of my peace with the path I chose. This is what’s right for me. I want Eric. I want to fall deeper in love with him every day, I want to wake up on the home we built together as we build our life together. I want to marry him, have adventures with him, and make a family with him. I want to spend my life making him smile, making him wiggle, surprising him, and spoiling him rotten. I want to be what he never saw coming and is always grateful he found. If this is the path that I had to take to get me where I am, then I took the right one.
