I went to Country USA last night with Sue (Kuba’s sister) and her daughter, Nicole and her boyfriend, Rick. I had a blast, but lost my voice from screaming trying to win backstage passes to see Josh Turner or Carrie Underwood (or, as the announcer kept saying, Wonderwood, which is what I suppose she gives you. ;) ). All I could think about was how seeing Josh Turner would let me get his autograph to send to you – and I got it on our anniversary! It’d be the perfect birthday present, but I didn’t win. I was just glad to go. The new grounds are HUGE – 500 acres of NOTHING. I’ve got a few great pictures, the sunset was amazing, and hearing him sing our song – I could’ve sworn you were standing next to me, whispering “Happy Birthday, Baby” in my ear.

I miss you madly, and hope all is well. Other good news – WE GOT THE APARTMENT! My schedule for the next day is RIDICULOUS – I work 7-4 axletech, 6:30-close Vicky’s, then OPEN tomorrow at Vicky’s 7:30-11:30 and have an on-call 12-4. If they keep me I’ll kill them. My mom keeps telling me to call in sick! Haha you know it’s bad when SHE tells me to – she’s the one who kept yelling they were going to fire me!

I love you, and can’t wait to go WITH you next year.

I'm just excited we have the apartment, and I'm hoping to see Little Big Town on Sunday night. WHOO! ok, back to work...

Birthday

Yesterday was a rough day - I for some reason lost all ability to control my emotions. I'd be fine one minute and bawling uncontrollably the next. I miss him. I just want a hug, and cuddle with him for a few minutes. I can't wait to hear his voice again....it just sucks it reminds me how much I love him and winds up hurting even more. But at the end of the day, I still choose him.

Work is work

I've worked 15 hour days for the last 3 days. Tomorrow is my birthday. I got called in again. I've had 15 hours of sleep in the last week. I hate this. I need the money to pay our bills, to pay my credit card and the vacation we just had and pay his credit card and get money for the apartment, but... this is ridiculous. I'm gonna die. They don't care. I tried to explain that if they kept me any longer I would fall asleep on the way home, and they didn't seem to care too much. They just told me I can't leave because I'm scheduled. If I got in an accident on the way home they'd better feel really fucking bad. It's not safe to have us out that late. I'm changing my hours. I can't do this. I keep thinking about quitting. At least I could go to Country USA! (even though I have no one to go with....Thanks for bailing, Michelle.)

Bahrain Falls Upon Us

Kurt just left for Bahrain. I flew down there to spend the weekend with him, and I wrote this on the plane ride home the night before he left.

I struggle so much with what to do with all the emotions I have for him – I hate that he has to leave, I hate that I’ll miss him, but I don’t – I can’t – hate him. I try not to let myself feel it too much but to not allow myself to feel it in some way makes me feel like I’m not giving him the full respect he deserves. He’s the love of my life. He deserves that I am upset that he’ll be gone. He deserves it. But I am just trying not to let it tear me apart. The pain, the ache, of not being near him is always a dull cry, constantly present and reminding me of what I don’t have. But now, the pain is sharp, and I wince at many words mentioned in casual conversation. “Husband”. “Home”. “Love”. I feel like I don’t have it – but I will. We deserve to not have to wait, though I understand we must – and he’s worth the wait. He’s worth it. He was so happy for me “spoiling” him this weekend – but I felt like I was spoiling myself in demanding his time, his attention, and demanding that I be alone with him. I needed to remember what it’s going to be like when it’s just us, alone on weekends and whittling time away. Realizing that little things, with him at my side, are all I truly need to be happy was a wonderful feeling. But now it hurts – knowing it’s fleeting. Knowing how happy he can make me, and knowing I have to live without it. I’ve done this before…I’m stronger than this. But this time is different. I was in love with them. I’m in love with him, and I love him. I know I’ll spend my life with him. I’m just worried he won’t make it back. I know the chances are doubtful, and the worst that happened to any member of the crew they’re going to replace was a broken arm from a stupid trick – but he’s my life. Trying to live without him is like trying to breathe with one lung, survive on half a heart…and live without my soul. I hope I’m strong enough. I just want to go home and be with Misha, and curl up and meditate and just…remember all the good memories he’s given me. I feel blessed that he even asked me. I can’t believe he picked me. I can’t believe I am getting the chance to spend my life with my best friend, the love of my life, and the person I want more than life itself. I don’t want to spend time with anyone else.

I think about Cass, and her request to see me – I can’t do it. I don’t want to. I miss her, I miss her friendship, but it’ll never be just a friendship to her. I don’t want to go back there. I’ve moved on to him, and I am where I want to be. I can’t do to Kurt what he did to me, and I can’t partake in anything that could hurt April, whether or not they stay together. I may be the love of Cass’s life, but she’s not mine. I love how well she knows me, I love that we believe the same way, and I love that she saw me through such difficult times… but I’m not hers. My heart belongs to Kurt, and I’ll never get it back – I don’t want it back. It’s strange to walk around with his will in my purse, like I’m waiting for the ball to drop. I am going to do all I can to keep him alive in my everyday life. I will cry almost every time I hear his voice – but it’ll be happy tears. He called ME. He thought about ME. He chose ME.
Then there was his going away party Friday night. We both did power hour with Pricilla and Derek. I had a blast, but afterwards…. Well things deteriorated quite quickly. We both bawled. I am just so in awe of the love and support we’ve gotten from Tammy, Frank, their kids, Derek, and all of his friends. He is one of the most loved people I’ve ever met. I hear him talk about the people in his life, and I feel honored to be among them – let alone to be chosen to be such a big part of it. I feel so at home there, with all of them. They know him so well and spend so much time with him that just being around them keeps him alive for me. This morning I kept trying to prepare myself, telling myself “this will be the last time you make love to him for 4-5 months. Are you ready for that?” “this is your last few hours with him.” “this is the last day you’ll wake up with him at your side for __ days.” At the time, I could’ve said the world was ending – it didn’t matter. He makes me so happy, so calm, the world could fall apart, and it doesn’t matter – he’s at my side. There’s no better way to go. But we’re so strong. I’ve never felt conviction like this about anything before in my life. I’m glad we didn’t get married this weekend … though the thought definitely crossed my mind. I want to be only his, officially, and have it be the right time with our family around. OUR family. He’s mine. Til death do us part and beyond, I choose him.

The Lake Pours a Stream of Consciousness

I went up to Kurt's parent's cabin for the weekend. It's been great to get a way from work, mom, Misha, and Oshkosh... and I love that there's so much of him here... his presence, his memories, his pictures on the wall...part of him is here. His presence is comforting, but there are the moments when I'm horror-struck to think about the fact that he may never make it back here...He's the love of my life; I can't imagine spending my life without him, I can't imagine coming here for the next 80 years without him at my side...and without our children. The thought of never having the opportunity of starting a family with him, of those challenges you face together, of handing him our child for the first time and saying, "Meet your daddy..." It breaks my heart. My soul aches for him...and it will until he's home.

I had to skip going to a graduation party with Angela and Michelle to stay up there...and I really debated it. But Michelle hasn't spoken to me in 3 weeks. And while I'd love to see her, but she doesn't seem so wriled up to see me. Angela is in the middle, and I feel bad for that - I know we're all in transition and have very different schedules, but you need to make each other a priority...and I suppose I broke that rule last night. But I didn't wanna face my mother again. I knew she'd be condescending about me going out and yell that I'm an alcoholic (yet I drink like a beer every month.) Anyways... I hope that friendship hasn't died...I hope even more that I didn't kill it.