Heavy

In the past week I’ve had to face the possibility that I won’t be able to have kids, spent 2 days in bed, struggled to get the use of my ankle back after injuring it while escaping an attempting raper, had to come to terms with my brother (who was always better at everything than me) getting engaged and graduating medical school.

I can handle the fear of not having kids. I’m dealing with the possibilities as they come. I can handle that one day at a time because I’m a long way away from hearing “never”. I'm just not looking forward to dealing with this pain.

Facing Carlos again at Kyle’s party is going to be very difficult. I’m worried he or his wife will corner me and attempt to get an answer from me on what happened that night or try to explain it away. I’m still trying to get over what happened, both to my ankle and to my heart. Yet one more man in my life that hurt me.

I’m happy for Kyle getting engaged. I’m a little hurt that he wound up using the same song that I’d have chosen for us…but he couldn’t have known. It’s just irony, but because we have so much in common, despite all our denials, it will always seem like I’m copying him instead of following my path that just happens to go in a similar place. I don’t want to be him. I want to be me. I just want his approval – cuz I’ll never get it. I’ve spent my life being the bigger person and just putting up with what he does to me says to me, anything he can dish out. I’ve spent my life just taking it, and I’m sick of being the proper younger sister. I’ve been hurt too many times to just let it be. I’ve called a truce in my heart for a while, told myself that I didn’t need an apology for all the water under the bridge, all the injuries. While life is too short to hold grudges for small transgressions, it’s too long not to stand up for what you deserve, and too long to not apologize for those transgressions once realized. I am proud of him. I’m surprisingly not jealous…I think I’ve made most of my peace with the path I chose. This is what’s right for me. I want Eric. I want to fall deeper in love with him every day, I want to wake up on the home we built together as we build our life together. I want to marry him, have adventures with him, and make a family with him. I want to spend my life making him smile, making him wiggle, surprising him, and spoiling him rotten. I want to be what he never saw coming and is always grateful he found. If this is the path that I had to take to get me where I am, then I took the right one.

Rant

I am very frustrated with the thought of only getting 2 days, too. are you upset with me for being hesitant to take 4 days vacation or upset with the situation and the fact that it makes it so hard for me to be there for 4 days? I'm strong enough to handle this. I don't need you to be my rock. I need you to show your love to me. I need YOU. I need our conversations. Me crying doesn't mean I can't handle it, it means I miss you and I'm sad. It's ok for me to cry. It's not healthy if I dont' try to find constructive ways to let my emotions out. Crying is ok. I think too hard - I analyze everything, and i babble about all of it to you. but because you see me going through all the though processes in between, you're starting to think I can't handle it. I can. I'm just going to think about and overanalyze everything before coming to the conclusion: "Meh; oh, well. Love you, hon!" You thinking I'm crazy and weak is making me FEEL crazy and weak and question myself at every turn, making me THINK i'm crazy and weak. I need you to realize that this is my process. I'm fine. I'll handle it. It's kind of like putting junk in a garbage disposal. just cuz it makes noise and grinds and whines and needs water running doesn't mean it can't grind up the steak. It's just doing what it does. It just makes noise while it does it, and has needs in order TO do it. My need is you letting me know what's going on. since that's not happening, I bug you for information, or stop caring. But how can I love you if I don't care?I'm sorry I was so harsh on you earlier this week; it was a surprise to go from talking to a loving, doting man to GI Joe - I've never seen that transformation before. The thing is - the time you're giving me ISN'T enough. My needs are greater than you can give me right now. The next part is a lot of ranting of my honest thinking process and trying to get myself under control. I was going to delete it but figured it might help you understand where i'm coming from. if you want to skip my stream of consciousness, scroll down to "END OF BITCHFEST". I was frustrated earlier this week more with your tone than anything else. I just wanted a conversation like the one we had earlier about puppies and the future. All that's getting me through this is thinking about the future and the things we'll have at the end of this. You don't want to talk about that in front of your guys, though, and it's probably harder for you to think about the future cuz you'd rather concentrate on now. I think I need to just emotionally let you go a bit. I've been afraid of giving you that slack cuz when I gave it to max, he got 3 hookers pregnant. when i gave it to kurt, when he came back, he didn't notice the slack/distance and didn't care to have the closeness back. i need to trust that if I let you go you'll come back, and want to be close to me. My biggest fear isn't that you won't come back. it's that you won't be the same person when you do. The thing is - you won't be. neither will I. We're going to grow and change and learn in the next year. That's ok. It's just scary. I'm sick of growing apart from the other person and having it not fit after a year. I don't want to keep looking. I dont' want to lose what we have. I don't trust that this will be here in a year unless I'm making sure it stays alive. but there's a fine line between mothering and smothering.I get frustrated with trying to understand you now. You've always had time for me. Now you have none. I don't care if it's a 30 second "I just wanted to call and say I love you. I love you! bye!" that means a lot to me. I don't understand your complete focus. I can't block you out of my brain, you're always on part of my mind. You can block everything else out and just do what you're doing and not think of me for 12 hours or have to contact me. I don't understand that, so I'm going to be a bit insulted by that. I just have to accept it. Further, the fact that you ARE so busy means that whenever you call I have to drop everything going on in my life to talk to you. That frustrates me cuz max expected me to do that. it's a silent statement that says anything of yours is infinitely more important than anything of mine - and that pisses me off. I'm half of this relationship, too. I need to back up and get my own life - which is hard when I'm supposed to move into your house and oversee your affairs. the whole process makes me feel like you're the more important person in the relationship. I am a giver - whatever is in my power to give you, I will. The problem is - I don't know if you'd do this for me. I've never known that the other person would put as much into it as I do. I think you were right at the beginning of the relationship - you said "I hope you don't expect me to put this much effort forth all the time..." well, not EVERY DAY, but.. yes. I do expect it. I may be too much for you. I'm high maintenance. I require a challenge. while you're gone and can't challenge me i need to find something to do with myself, with my mind. I don't know what that is yet, but it might include travel, and it might include the novel sensation of you having to wait for me for a bit. I'm sick of being the one left behind by fate. that's my baggage from before. I can do this, i have no doubt. I'm just sick of doing it and hate myself for putting up with it, no matter the fact that you're worth it - we're worth it. AREN'T I WORTH IT? I want to be the more important one for a change. I want people to ask YOU how I'm doing all the time. I like doing it for you, I like being able to be there for you and have you know you can rely on me. I hope you're grateful. but more than that I think I need to know that you aren't just grateful, but that you'd be willing to do it for me. I give you massages, I dress up in outfits and spend money I shouldn't on heels to make you want me and hope you find me attractive. I try to make my apt feel like a home for you since you don't have a specific place to land, and I want you at my side. I take vacation days and fly around the country for you. Will you someday be able to reciprocate? I've been so used to being used that I would feel guilty if you flew cross-country to see JUST me. I think a lot of this is me dealing with my baggage from before and trying to figure out how to not bring home any more. I told you I need to let go of my baggage and just be me so that you can love me completely. The problem is, I need you to love me completely, too, and I have a hard time understanding that you can love me completely with so little time. like I said - i'm much different. I would call you for 30 seconds just to say "I was thinking of you. I love you. I gotta go, but I love you. BYE!" you wouldn't do that. I don't understand that. but i need to let it go. you think that that isn't ignoring me, and to me - it is. cuz i don't understand being so busy you can't take 30 seconds when you go to the bathroom, as you head back, pause and call me for 30 seconds. I don't get that. I feel like an obligation. I'm waiting for the day you WANT to talk to me again. I need to stop expecting anythign from you - i just get disappointed, especially since i have no guarantee of any time with you in the next year. the question is - how can I stay in love with you while holding you at arms length? if I give you space and you take the space and I talk to you once a week, but we don't have our conversations... I don't know, that was the whole point of us. we were so close. our conversations kept us on the same page, and very close. now i feel like you're saying, "no, we're gonna be far away and in different books. I thought you knew that. can't you handle it?" I thought the whole point was we were going to try to stay on the same page. I just miss our conversations. I either need to find another way of getting simliar mental stimulation, I need to give up on it and move on, need to shut up and handle it, or I need to find a way to have them with you while you're gone. Well, time is the issue. we can't have them. so i need to figure out which path I want to take. END OF BITCHFESTTHE BOTTOM LINE - I'm struggling with the fact that I have needs greater than you can fulfill right now. that means I'm whiny and demanding. which means you really dont' want to talk to me even when you can, which means i get more demanding. I don't know how to have my needs fulfilled in ways of which you approve. I feel like asking for what I need is whining and being high maintenance, but then yell at myself that my needs are my needs and I deserve to have them met just like anyone else. I was happy alone a year ago. The thing is, now I know what it's like to have all the little holes in my heart filled - and now it's been taken away. I have to try to find ways to fill them again while you're gone, even though they seem bigger than ever. What they don't tell you about finding and falling in love with the love of your life is the fact that afterwards, everything done without that person at your side will be a little grayer, have a little less color, flavor, life to it. I love you. Life without you is gray. I can handle the monochromism, but I'm allowed to complain about it a bit. It's one of my ways of telling you I care, that life is dull without you. I am sorry that my missing you makes it hard for you. but I'm not sorry I miss you. I feel like you're expecting me to not care you're gone. I do. I love you.

I promise.

(9:56:17 PM): I promise: to never take myself too seriously, to never give up on you, even when you give up on yourself. to forgive (I'm allowed to be mad for a bit, but I promise to forgive.) I promise to be faithful to you. My body, my heart, my soul, are yours, as they were always meant to be - and shall remain that way until the day the first dies, the second stops beating, and the last goes on to wait for you to join me...or to join you for all eternity. I am yours, and yours alone - every inch. I promise myself to you. I promise to do my best to become the mother of your children, and once I am, to be the best mother to them I can be. I promise to be the best wife and lover I can to you, and to spoil you rotten for the rest of your life. I promise to make you smile. I promise I'll yell too loudly at Packer games, and I promise to wear naughty things in the bedroom. I promise to try to entice you for the rest of my life. I promise I'll never get over you. I promise to wait for you, even when my patience runs out and my desperation for you grows. I will wait. I won't like it, but I will wait. I promise to be here when you return...whenever that may be. Just please don't abuse that. I promise to you: my love, my fidelity, my patience, and my future. Wherever we decide to wander in our lives, I promise we'll wander together. I love you - I promise you that. I just needed to say that. I needed to tell you. I promise to jump on the bed with you, to stop and cherish the little things. I promise to dance with you on Christmas morning and decorate the house together. I promise to make memories WITH you, not FOR you. I promise to always try to better myself - for me, for you, and for our children. I promise to utterly bewilder you. I promise to make you fall in love with me over and over again...well, I'll try my best on that one. I promise to surprise you. I promise to listen to you - though you may need to take away shiny things at times. I promise to do my very best to communicate to you what I need and want and feel. I promise to not cut you out of my life, or leave you out in the cold. I promise you're going to cry at our wedding - I will, too. I promise to push you when you need it, walk with you when you need it, and be the safe place for you to land when you need that, too. I promise you adventure, laughter, and love. I promise you me.

Snow!

I love that snow muffles everything...it's so quiet and peaceful. I remember when I was a kid, playing in snowbanks with my brother, and getting so tired from hauling my limbs through the snow, I'd collapse in the snow, and lay there and listen...listen to the snow crunch and squeak under my body as I moved, watch the flakes falling on my lashes, inspect each flake before it melted and coated my lashes. Laying there, I'd listen to my own breathing, watch it puff out in a billowing cloud that no sooner appeared than vanished into the cold, winter air. Everything was white - the tree limbs coated, windowsills, and walkways - one of the few times everything is clean. We'd sit there in the snow, my brother and I, eating it, molding it, making snowmen... recuperating until the next snowball fight began, our shrieks traveling only to the next yard before being absorbed by the clean, white layer of peace that had decended on our neighborhood overnight.

Courage

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on, you’ll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to let yourself make the journey.

Just A Dream

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYyAtSk_6X4
"I thank God for the priviledge and honor of loving and being loved by such a man. For in the end, love is so much more than just a dream. "

My biggest fear...

I knew you before I met you...

This all happened so fast, but details are recalled like slow motion. I never saw us coming, never expected such emotion. From the moment we touched, kissed, and considered, that what we have is more than love - it's the life we'd thought surrendered. The life we never thought we'd get - with a partner, an equal. When you asked me about Europe, I took a moment and looked into your eyes for the very first time. When they met and locked, the ice in the blue of yours melted, and the rest of the world fell away. The bolt of knowledge struck us - and changed so mcuh more than our minds about each other and our beliefs about love - it changed our worlds. They'd never again be separate. Your face changed - the expression softened as the knowledge not only of WHAT we found, but whom - our other halves. The noise of the rest of the world slowly melted from my consciousness, though we were surrounded by people, all talking, yelling, laughing. Yet all I heard was the sound of my heart as it finally began beating. I felt me soul come alive, my whole body heating. You see, I thought I'd known what love was, before looking into your eyes. But it isn't what I feel when looking to at you, it's what I see IN you - what I see reflected in your eyes. It's not how I see you that matters, but how I see myself when looking through your eyes. You make me a better version of myself - but through no intended effort. Somehow you see me as the person I want to be - the one I'm destined to become - the kind of successful businesswoman, friend, lover, wife, mother, and partner I always knew I was meant to be.
People at work have pictues of those they love - but it isn't just how you feel about those in the pictures - it's how they feel about you. Looking in your eyes, being with you has once again lit the fire deep in my soul - a burning, a yearning, for a life spent reaching dreams together. That fire burns so brightly the light shines through my eyes - those who know me best have said, "the color's back in your eyes..." The color only shows when I'm lit from within, when my cup runneth over, and the struggle finally ends in a win.
Having a fire burning in my soul for you only means so much unless I've ignited one in you, that torch we both must carry through the night until the morning light shines on us, signaling he end of the trials, tribulations, heartache, and hell we'll endure to see us through - until we can belong solely to and with each other.
I've won - not a trophy, not a game. Not a momentary thrill or temporary gain. I've won, not arrived, for what we have is not a destination. Now that I am at your side I'll travel the duration. As love like ours is not simply captured in a picture, or reflected in a ring. Our love is alive - it will grow, it's given us wings. Our love is not an object, not a bauble or a keepsake. Our love is carried with as, as it is a state. Not a state of destination, but a state of mind, a state of travel, a state of being. We have entered into a higher form of living - of living each day knowing you've found your purpose, your true life's reason. The certainty of knowing I was made to be your wife, that if asked I would readily lay down my life. I know I'm meant to be here, right here at your side. Because, you see, I saw you. I know your ice-blue eyes. Before they sent me back here, with questions I can't ask, I was told I wasn't finished I have still one more task. They didn't give me details; they don't explain their goals. They sijmply send me on my way, down a path to your bright soul.